Holding It In
by gypsy season
Summary: Trinity has a secret, a secret that threatens to destroy her. But has she made the right decision to keep it a secret? chapter 10 finally here
1. Solitude

Holding It In 

Part 1

Revised

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me. But heck, you don't have to pay to dream.

Summery: Trinity has a secret, a secret threatening to destroy her. But has she made the right decision to keep it a secret?

Awake.

Trinity blinked groggily, her sleepy eyes adjusting to the dark or her room. What time was it? It certainly was early, judging by the fact that the lights weren't even on yet. A sigh escaped her lips when she felt Neo behind her and snuggled against his warm body. He was the one person that helped her keep her sanity during her time of grief. Along with everyone else accept Siren, their newest recruit, Trinity was still in mourning for the Neb's recent losses. It was in Neo that she found comfort.

But that morning he could do no more than keep her warm. After lying beside him for a few short minutes, she felt her stomach lurch, as if an invisible hand was twisting it tightly. She quickly jumped up and made a mad dash for the toilet. By the time she got there, she could no longer hold it in anymore, and she emptied her stomach into the small, already dirty toilet. She sank down to her knees, feeling sicker than she had ever felt before. What happened? She never got sick. She leaned against the cool wall, taking deep breaths to calm her raging stomach, every so often a cough ripping through the silence.

She jumped when the door creaked open and Neo stepped inside. "Trinity, are you ok?"

He started to kneel down next to her, but Trinity was already on her feet. "I'm fine. I guess I just had too much for dinner." She lied, but she had never been a good liar. Neo always knew.

Neo. Sweet Neo. Gentle, caring Neo. He loved Trinity and she knew it, but she just couldn't accept it. No one had ever loved her like Neo, not even in the Matrix.

'How could anyone love you?' Trinity's inner voice would always argue and it would always win her mental disputes. How could anyone love a heartless murderer? She wasn't entirely heartless; Neo was to blame for that. 'But how can anyone ever love me when I don't even love me?'

"Neo, I'm fine, really."

Neo was still not convinced. He reached out and caressed Trinity's cheek gently, tilting her head up so she was looking at him. "You don't have to lie to me." He was so damn honest! Trinity hated that. But at the same time she loved it. She wasn't making sense anymore. She liked it when Neo was honest to everyone but herself? Why? "Is it something I did? What did I do wrong?"

Trinity put her hand over Neo's and slowly put it back down by Neo's side. "Nothing." She replied softly. "You didn't do anything at all. I just don't want to talk about it." Neo shrugged, trying not to show that he still didn't believe her. Sure, she didn't want to talk about it, but she never wanted to talk about things with Neo. She just kept all her feeling bottled up inside her. Neo knew all too well what happened when one did that, and he was worried that Trinity will soon have to let all those feelings out.

'But you never want to talk about it.' Neo wished he had the courage to say this to Trinity's face, but he also knew for certain that it would hurt her. She never let anyone see how sensitive she really was. She had built this wall around herself to keep anyone else from knowing how she felt. Occasionally, the wall would crack and people would have a brief look at her feelings, like when Neo died, but she always re-built it bigger and stronger than before.

Neo nodded, turned and left without another word, leaving Trinity alone in the toilet stall. Once Neo's footsteps faded away, once he was out of hearing range, Trinity slammed her fist into the wall and sobbed. She ignored the rush of pain that surged through her hand and up her wrist. She needed to fight someone. Maybe a training simulation would help her clear her mind.

She hated seeing Neo like that. She knew he was disappointed and hurt, both feelings that Trinity had felt before in her life, but she couldn't do anything about it without letting her guard down, and in this business that was deadly.

Once she had stopped crying and made sure that her stomach was settled, she got up and went to the galley, where she sat on the bench close to the wall, not eating, not moving. Just thinking. No, not even thinking. Meditating. The pain in her hand subsided. Time seemed to fly by when her mind was in a different place. Whether she fell asleep or not, she couldn't tell. She lost all sense of time and conflict. She was almost at peace. Almost.

Whether it was a few minutes or a few hours later, the lights flickered on, then off, and then back on again. Soon the crew would come in for breakfast. Trinity considered for a moment whether to put a touch of "snot" into a bowl to make it seem like she had already eaten, for she wasn't hungry. But that would be wasting food. One thing Morpheus taught her was never to waste. She had learned her lesson a few years ago due to an even she would rather not remember.

The door opened and in came a bleary-eyed Tank. She acknowledged his presence with a nod.

"What's up, Trinity?" He asked as he sat down beside her. Then he noticed something in her eyes. Pain. It was something he rarely saw in Trinity. "Do you feel ok? You look a little sick."

Trinity shrugged. "I don't really know. I just had an upset stomach this morning, but it's nothing big."

Tank, being the skilled medic he was, continued to question Trinity. He knew that even a minor sickness could worsen into something potentially fatal in the cold of the real world. "Was it just this morning or have you been sick before?"

Trinity mumbled something un-audible, but repeated it when Tank asked her to. "Before. A few mornings."

"You want me to run a few tests? Just to be sure." Tank smiled. He still hadn't lost his loveable cheerfulness, even after the death of his brother. In fact, Tank had been even more cheerful now, even though many times he would fake it. He would fake it to keep the rest of the crew in better spirits. That, he felt, was his duty, despite the pain of his loss.

Trinity nodded, feeling sick again. "Sure."

"Come buy the Med. Bay later on. I'll probably be there. And if you need to talk about anything," His eyes met Trinity's. "You know I'm always here to listen."

Trinity walked down the cold hallways of the Neb on her way to the Med. Bay. She didn't know why she agreed to let Tank test her. She just had an upset stomach and a bit of emotions running haywire, struggling to break free of the cage Trinity had locked them in. She wasn't sick. She didn't get sick.

Tank heard her footsteps and met her at the door. He was smiling, always smiling. "Hey, Trin." Trinity winced slightly as he called her the name was reserved for Neo alone. "You ready?" She nodded and walked inside.

"Tank, please," Trinity begged with fear in her voice, her eyes brimming with tears. "Please, you can't tell anyone. You hear me?"

Tank's face looked grave. "What about later on? A few months later? You're going to have to tell someone."

"No!" Trinity shouted, letting a tear slip down her cheek. "No." She said more calmly. She never shouted at Tank and she shouldn't have.

"Trinity, this isn't the kind of secret to keep. You won't be able to keep it a secret forever."

Trinity wiped her eyes and held up her chin. "Then I'll keep it for as long as I can."

"And Neo?"

Neo. How _could_ she tell Neo? He'd hate her. He'd never forgive her. And if that happened Trinity would never forgive herself either. "Neo doesn't need to know."

Tank shook his head. "God damnit, Trinity, why do you always do this to yourself?" He held up a hand before Trinity could interrupt him. "You shut people out. It's all about you, Trinity. You don't give a damn that other people care for you. All that matters to you is that you make sure they know that they'll never get through to you. Never! Twelve years, Trinity. That's how long I've tried to get through to you, become your friend, help you. I want to help you."

"I don't need anyone's help." Trinity said automatically in a solid, icy tone.

Tank looked into her eyes but she turned away. "Oh, you do. Believe me, you do. I think that's what you need most, Trinity. Help. We all can help you, but you just push us away."

"Stop trying to get involved, Tank." Trinity said as she walked to the door. She turned around to face Tank. "This is between me and Cypher. Cypher's not here anymore; now it's just me." And she walked quickly from the Med. Bay, praying that Tank wouldn't say anything.

"You see that? You. All you! Well out here it's not just you. It's you, and me, and Morpheus and Siren and Neo! He loves you, Trinity. He wants to help, just like all of us."

We want to help…

She stopped and whirled around, her eyes narrowing. "So what do you want me to do, Tank?" She challenged. "You want me to tell Neo? You want me to destroy him? Well if you want his heart broken, his trust destroyed, then be my guest. I'm not telling him anything." And she walked off leaving Tank speechless.

Trinity broke into a run, nearly falling down the ladder as she made her way towards her room. Coming down the hall in the opposite direction walked Morpheus. He opened his mouth to greet Trinity but she pushed past him and ran to her cabin.

"Trinity? Trinity, what is it?" Morpheus turned and headed after Trinity, but she got to her room and locked the large steel door behind her. "Trinity!"

Trinity ignored the pounding on her door as she collapsed onto her bed, sobbing freely. Her cabin was the only place where she could let out her emotions. She rarely let anyone inside, but when she did the visits were short and awkward. She had never been praised for her friendliness, but it didn't really matter to her. She lay sobbing for a while before she heard Morpheus leave her door, leaving her alone.

She rolled onto her back and wiped her eyes with her hand. Tank was right. She did need help more than she knew. She needed to talk to people, to open up, especially to Neo.

But how could she tell Neo that she was pregnant with Cypher's child?


	2. Remember

Holding It In 

Part 2

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me. But heck, you don't have to pay to dream.

Summery: Trinity has a secret, a secret threatening to destroy her. But has she made the right decision to keep it a secret?

Trinity heard three soft knocks on her door and pulled the blanket over her head. She knew who it was; Neo had established his own language with the crew through door knocks. Five long, loud knocks meant to come out quick and/or something was wrong. Four medium knocks was for when he was in a good mood and wanted to be with the person behind the door (this knock was reserved for Trinity) and three soft knocks meant he knew something was wrong and he wanted to talk about it.

There was a moment's pause followed by two more knocks, a little bit louder than the first three. When two louder knocks followed any of the others, it was the equivalent of Neo telling them to open the door; A bit more forceful than before but still calm.

Trinity shut her eyes, which stung from the tears, and made no noise. If she stayed quiet long enough maybe Neo would think she was asleep. The blanket began to irritate her face so she pulled it off and stared at the wall.

"Trinity, if you're awake, please, open the door. I need to talk to you."

Trinity sighed and pulled her knees up to her chest, her head barely touching her pillow. Neo was more observant than she had thought, although he didn't know of his skill, if that's what if could be called. It was more like a memory drilled into his brain from repetition. Already he knew what time Trinity fell asleep and when she would be napping. It was about an hour till lunch; according to him, Trinity would be working. Never napping. She coughed once to let him know that she was awake and he wasn't just talking to her door.

"Please, Trin, I don't know what I did to you, but can't you at least tell me _what_ I did?"

Great, Trinity thought. Now he thinks it's his fault. He was kind, loving, generous, but also innocent and naïve. They were his weaknesses, in the Real World at least. He had no known weaknesses in the Matrix, but he was just a normal human in the Real World. Trinity imagined that to be one of the hardest aspects of being the One that Neo had to cope with – To go from superhuman to normal human wasn't always easy for the mind to handle, But Neo handled it well, and she admired him for that.

Trinity wondered why Neo wasn't with Morpheus. Ever since Neo became the One, - More along the lines of ever since he believed he was the one – Morpheus bombarded him with tests and simulations to see his true power. Neo was the lab rat, but there was nothing he could do. He didn't ask to be the One – It was his destiny.

'But it wasn't your destiny to be thrown into this.' She thought bitterly while her inner conscience stressed that it wasn't her fault. 'It was your _choice_.' It wasn't her fault that Cypher had fallen in love with her; it was her fault that she had _let_ him fall in love with her. Luckily Neo, of course, didn't know about any of this. He wasn't even aware of Trinity or any aspect of the Real World when things went wrong…

~"So, Trinity, what's going to happen to us, now that Morpheus thinks he found the one again?" Cypher asked about their newest potential, a hacker named Neo. He was holding Trinity very close to his naked body. An involuntary shiver ran down Trinity's spine as Cypher's cold hands ran down her front side from her shoulders. Cypher raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong?"

Trinity shook her head and took Cypher's hands in her own and moved them off her body and down to his sides. "Nothing." She said shortly as she tried to pull away, but Cypher pulled her back to him, probably for body warmth. Being naked in the cold wasn't a very smart decision. She stopped struggling and wrapped her arms around his neck, gently massaging the skin.

"You're watching him too much. I don't like it that you're spending more time with him than you do with me."

Trinity shook her head. "It's my duty. I'm supposed to watch him on my shift just like everyone else does on their own." She took a deep breath. Cypher was a very jealous, lonely, desperate man. Taken away from the life he loved, Cypher had always hated life on the Neb. Trinity felt sorry for him. That was the main reason she didn't leave him. "And I'm not spending time with him at all. I just watch."

"But you like watching him. Don't you love me, Trinity? I love you."

"You mean you love that I'm yours." Trinity corrected him, pushing away the wanting to turn the side of her mouth up into a smirk. She shouldn't have said that, but Cypher never cared. Like an agent, a god damn agent, his love for Trinity could never be hindered. Harsh words would only make him think. He didn't really love her. He just loved the fact that he had a possession. Trinity was his possession and it made her sick, but when you're drowning you need something to hold on to, something to keep you afloat. In the Real World, Cypher was drowning. Trinity felt that she was the only one that could keep him afloat.

The corners of Cypher's mouth turned down and he held onto Trinity a little harder than what would be considered comfortable. "You know that's not true. The moment I saw you I fell in love."

Trinity raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Oh, really? How? Tell me how I know that. You never tell me anything accept that you love me, which doesn't prove shit. I know you've lied before, Cypher. What's there to stop me from thinking you won't lie again?"

"God damnit, Trinity!" Cypher's hands went to his sides in the form of clenched fists. His exhale sounded almost like a growl. "Why do you always have to be so difficult?"  
  


"Why do you always have to be such an asshole?"

Cypher chuckled. "You always have an answer, don't you?" Trinity put her hands on her hips, waiting for Cypher to make a move. Her body language seemed to be saying 'Come on. Try me. I dare you.' Cypher knew the look on her face well. It was her 'take no prisoners' face. He knew Trinity was serious – she was always serious, but you never messed with her when she wore that face. No – you never messed with her. Period.

"If I didn't answer, it wouldn't be much of a conversation, would it?" If it weren't for who she was, Trinity would be smirking. Trinity never smirked. Trinity never smiled, even when she was happy. Coincidentally, Cypher always had a grin on his face. No, he was never truly happy. How could he be? The smile was a feeble attempt to convince him that there was still something to live for. Some hope for the future of mankind.

Why did she love him? Did she even really love him? The Oracle's words floated into her mind: 'You've never truly loved someone like you soon will. You will need to love him. The sake of mankind depends on it. But…it still is your choice.' Trinity never told anyone what The Oracle had said.

Trinity didn't exactly know what the Oracle meant, but it scared her. Either she would fall in love with the One or the man she loved would be the One. Cypher wasn't the One. Unfortunately, everyone knew that. The Oracle had also said it was a love so strong it would be almost impossible to resist. She didn't love Cypher like that. But if the fate of mankind depended on her loving Cypher, would she be able to?

Cypher's grin widened as he moved to the door and locked it. Wordlessly, Cypher's hands pulled Trinity down onto the bed…~

"Bastard!" Trinity found herself shouting as she jumped out of her bed as if it had burned her. It had been her bed, the very same bed that she had slept with Cypher all those times. After her shifts spent watching Neo in the Matrix, she would come back to Cypher. She never knew why accept that they were both lonely. Cypher needed somebody; Trinity did not, but she felt sorry for him, and it grew into something that was almost love, but still not true love.

The knocking had stopped. The room was silent, save for Trinity's heavy breathing. Slowly, she listened for Neo's presence but heard nothing. She crept towards the door, unlocked it and wrenched it open. Neo was on his way up the ladder when she saw him.

Had he thought Trinity called him a bastard?

"Neo?" Trinity's voice was hoarse from the time spent crying. Neo either didn't hear or didn't want to. No matter, he made no acknowledgements to the fact that Trinity had spoken. "Neo, I didn't mean you. I meant someone else."

Neo stopped halfway up the ladder, inhaling deeply. "Then who did you mean?"

Trinity winced. She should have known Neo would ask that. "I can't tell you, but please just trust me. It wasn't you. I…I-" I love you. "I would never say that to you." God damnit why can't I just tell him the truth? Because you're still tied to Cypher, her inner voice stated. You'll always be tied to Cypher as long as you have this child growing inside of you, and when the child is born, if it survives it will still tie you to Cypher till the day you die.

"How do I know that?" Neo said blankly, not looking at Trinity but at the cool metal beneath his hands. "All of a sudden I don't think I know you at all."

"Neo, please don't do this. You're acting stupid." Trinity wished she could follow him but her feet were glued to the floor.

"No." Neo turned around, his sad eyes piercing Trinity's like knives. "The only stupid thing I did was to believe you when you said you loved me." He knew that wasn't true; if it was, he wouldn't be alive, but he needed something so say. He couldn't just stand there all day waiting for Trinity to say something affectionate. He could wait his whole life and still never get as much as a smile, let alone a sign to prove her love. As he said this he disappeared up the ladder, leaving Trinity alone in the hallway, save for Siren, who had been hidden in her room until she heard the commotion going on outside and came out to see what was going on.

"Hey, Trinity!" She came out of the door, the usual grin on her face. "Trinity, what happened?" Trinity remained un-moving, her back towards Siren. The girl slowly crept forwards and placed a hand on Trinity's shoulder. Trinity pulled away hastily and walked to her room.

"It's not important. It's nothing."

Trinity lied, desperately wishing with all her heart that if really was nothing. If only wishes were destroyed machines, then the entire universe would be free…


	3. Fly

Holding It In 

Part 3

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me.

Summery: Trinity has a secret, a secret threatening to destroy her. But has she made the right decision to keep it a secret?

Neo sat in Tank's 'operator' chair watching the green code that was the matrix scroll down the multiple screens. He tried to use the code as a distraction to help him forget about Trinity, at least for the time being. He never thought he'd ever not want to think about Trinity, but then again there were always bumps along the road of love that had to be paved over no matter how difficult.

He hadn't truly meant what he said to Trinity about being stupid to believe she truly loved him, but he was still angry. She was hiding something from him and he wanted to know what it was. Trinity was supposed to love him, not keep secrets from him.

_'No, Trinity's not supposed to do anything. She's her own person. She can take care of herself.' _That was all too true. In fact, she never let anyone help her. She had her problems – she was only human – but wouldn't let anyone get involved. She tortured herself to keep it all inside. If only she could let Neo in, then maybe he could help her.

But could he really help her? He didn't even know what was wrong. Trinity had been on board the Neb much longer than Neo. He had no idea what could have happened before, and he couldn't count on Trinity to tell him. She never told him the truth; just lies. Why couldn't she tell him?

Neo heard footsteps coming closer and closer from below. Then he heard the sound of someone climbing the ladder. He knew it was Morpheus without even looking. It was time to go back into the Matrix. Neo took a deep breath. He hadn't been in the Matrix since he "died", but he didn't feel ready to go back. He didn't want to go back, not just yet.

"Hello, Neo."

The look on Morpheus' face was of excitement, the kind of excitement a little kid had in a toy store. It was The One's return to the Matrix – he had everything to be excited about. Neo nodded, although he _wasn't excited._

"Should I go get Tank?" Neo asked as he rose from the chair, but Morpheus shook his head.

"Tank's asleep. Leave him be. I'll take care of things." He turned to Neo, who kept his eyes down so Morpheus wouldn't see how nervous he was. "Are you ready?"

Neo took a deep breath, not noticing Trinity standing in a corner, nearly hidden from view. He looked up at Morpheus and shrugged. "I'm nervous."

Morpheus smiled. "You have no need to be. You are the One. Nothing can harm you."

Trinity watched silently. She wanted to be there for Neo, to help him if he needed it. Why was Morpheus letting him go in alone after what happened? Yes, he destroyed Agent Smith but he also _died_. She feared that death was becoming more casual by the day. There have been so many…

She pressed herself against the wall with hopes of keeping herself from going over to Neo. She wanted to comfort him, let him know that he'll be all right.

Neo walked over to the jack-in chair and sat down. Morpheus' eyes met Trinity's and he called her over. Neo looked up, unaware that Trinity was in the room. He wanted to talk to her, to ask her what was wrong, but she walked past him and into the operator chair. Her fingers flew over the keys as Morpheus stepped in front of her. "Whatever you do," He lowered his voice so that only Neo could hear him. "You better sort things out with her. You owe her your life. She has a lot on her mind, and no matter what she says, she needs you."

The next thing he felt was the spike enter his brain. He winced – he couldn't help it. In all the years he knew he would spend on the Neb, he would never get used to that feeling. He marveled at how all the others reacted like it was the most casual thing for a foreign object to be inserted into your brain. But that was the Real World. It was better than living a lie, wasn't it?

And then Neo was in the Matrix. He stood on a busy sidewalk, people bustling too and fro, all having plans that didn't exist, appointments that were never made, events that would never happen. It was all an illusion, a mirage. That was the horrifying truth that made Neo's blood run cold.

Why didn't anyone else notice that there was something wrong with the world that might just be that it _wasn't real_? Cypher's haunting words came to mind.

"Ignorance is bliss."

It was all too true. Most people in the Matrix wouldn't want to be freed. They would rather live a slave than have to deal with the harsh conditions of Real life. Neo had to admit that he missed the sun. And the food. The goop was supposed to be healthy, but its taste could make one believe otherwise.

A small woman carrying a bulging messenger bag bumped into Neo. The collision sent books flying all over the sidewalk. She stammered apologies, feeling horribly embarrassed, but her words trailed off when Neo turned to her. There was something about him, something eerie that frightened her.

To her surprise, Neo bent down and picked up some of the books. She looked stunned; why would anyone want to help her? People rarely even noticed she was alive. Neo put her books in the bag and stood back up. He towered over her almost menacingly, if it wasn't for a small grin on his face when he pocketed his sunglasses to make it seem like he wanted to get a better look at her, even though he could only see green code.

"I-I'll be more careful next time." She stammered, gathering the rest of her books and tucking them in her bag and trying not to make eye contact with Neo. "Thanks…thank you." She walked past Neo as quickly as she came. He sighed. No, she did not notice that the world was all a lie, but she did notice something weird about him. How interesting how people could pick up on the most subtle things yet completely overlook what's right there in front of them. He'd have to fix that if he wanted to free the world, so to speak.

He turned around, following the woman with his eyes as she walked past a phone booth. She hurried inside and dialed a number. She talked rapidly into the phone and then exited the booth and waited on the street corner. Neo thought for a few moments what to do.

Should he just wander around a little and be as inconspicuous as he could so he wouldn't attract the Agents' attention? Or should he do something bold, threaten them, make them a little nervous? He couldn't expect to destroy the Matrix by just waiting for things to happen. He eyed the phone booth, then walked towards it, having made his decision. He would be bold.

He entered the booth and shut the door behind him, noticing the woman still standing at the corner. She glanced back at Neo and the phone booth but turned away quickly when she noticed he was looking her way. Neo picked up the phone, but his fingers never touched the numbers. He saw the code of the Matrix and searched for an Agent. There weren't any near. They were probably scared, Neo thought. In the code, he located the nearest phone and put the number into the telephone. On the Neb Tank had just begun teaching him to read code, but in the Matrix he was already fluent in it.

He held the receiver to his ear, waiting, listening to it ring. Then the ringing stopped and a dull male voice answered.

"Hello."

Neo took a deep breath. This is what he had to do. If he just waited the war would never be won. He had to do this.

"I know you're out there."

He heard the Agent on the other line clear his throat, but he continued.

"I can feel you now…"

Trinity watched in amazement as Neo flew up into the air. She carefully looked over the code again to make sure she wasn't seeing things. He might have just jumped high or maybe, no, he was definitely flying. But how?

"Morpheus, come over here."

Morpheus showed no signs of surprise at the aspect of Neo flying. He knew all along that Neo was the one, and that was the only thing he could say to prove this feat. Was it because he was the One, or that he had freed his mind? Trinity had been on board longer than Neo, and Morpheus had been here even longer than her, but neither one of them could accomplish flying.

It could have been that the mind was so convinced that flying was impossible because it was only accomplished by special effects. But Neo, he was really flying. Like superman. Trinity amused herself with the thought of Neo flying around the Matrix with a red cape billowing behind him.

At first Neo was surprised to find that he never landed on the building he planned to, but instead climbed higher and higher into the sky. He was flying, just like in the movies, only without the wires and effects. How did he do it? Many different thoughts filled his mind at once, but he settled for one; because he was the One, he now believed in himself, that he could free his mind enough. Did he accomplish the task of flying just because he was the One?

Could Trinity ever fly with him? Would she even want to after what he said?

He looked up above him at the shining sun and hollered so loud and happily that one would think he won the lottery jackpot, that is if they heard him. He was free! He could have total control of the Matrix if he wasn't planning on destroying it.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, nearly dropping it in the altitude, and held it to his ear.

"Morpheus!" He spoke in a tone no one had ever heard him speak in. He was happy, excited. He felt like he could do anything, like he owned the world.

"Guess again." The female voice on the other line said in a voice opposite of Neo's. Trinity sounded sad, almost disappointed. Neo had flown, a feat that no one else had ever accomplished. Could she say she was jealous?

Neo focused on lowering himself to the ground, or a skyscraper to be safe. "Trinity, oh my god, you'll never believe this!"

"I can see you, Neo, remember?" She was always amused at Neo's innocence, for he still had a hard time grasping some concepts of reality. "Just because you can't read code doesn't mean we can't."

"And that's a damn good thing too, otherwise I'd be dead at least three times. Maybe four." Trinity knew Neo was grinning. She knew his tone of voice was serious, but casual enough to joke about it. "I want you in here. I want you flying with me."

Neo was always quick to forgive. He knew that Trinity was another reason, as well as reading code, that he was still alive. Why should he be mad at her? She was the one he'd be spending the rest of his life with. The Neb wasn't a big ship; your problems were everyone else's problems unless you were Trinity and were exceptionally good at masking them.

"Neo, I can't fly. Only you can."

Neo raised his eyebrow. "Is that so?"

Trinity wondered what Neo had in mind. She didn't want to go into the Matrix to fool around. She'd end up dead. No, Neo would protect her, but that wasn't the point. The point was that she went into the Matrix with a purpose, not to enjoy herself. How could she enjoy herself when everything around her was a lie?

"The Matrix is not a computer game, Neo. Fifth and Harmon is your exit." She could feel his frustration as he hung up the phone and took to the skies once more. She did want to be with him, but she just couldn't bring herself to letting her guard down enough to make her vulnerable. She had let that happen once before and it left her 3 months pregnant if she remembered correctly. When traveling aimlessly through sewers, each day the same routine, one tended to lose track of time.

She made the call once Neo had landed on the sidewalk. He slowly walked to the phone booth, not wanting this moment to end so soon. But he had to go. Trinity was right; the Matrix wasn't a game. He should be taking it more seriously, but were else could he be able to _fly_?

Neo's eyes fluttered open and saw Trinity standing over him, removing the spike from his head and walking away. He sat up and watched as she stumbled, clutching her stomach with one hand and grabbing the wall for support with the other. Neo rose from the chair to assist, but Trinity was already running down the hallway.


	4. Incomplete

****

Holding It In

Part 4

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me.

In This Chapter: Trinity spends some time pondering when some knocking disturbs her thoughts. Hope this makes Chord happy.

Lying on her bed, Trinity stared at the ceiling, metal pipes weaving across it in the dull pattern she had observed every day for the past twelve years. She had memorized almost every aspect of her small room, every mark on the wall, every notch in the floor. To help pass the time when she wasn't working, she would try to remember her life the way it used to be, back when everything was a lie.

The memories of her friends and family had grown dim, like trying to read a book with barely any light. If you squinted your eyes and looked hard enough, you'd see the print, but not without some effort. As much as Trinity didn't want to struggle to remember, she felt like she couldn't let herself forget. What was it that her 10th grade history teacher had told her? The more you remember the bad, the more you can prevent it from happening in the future.

Trinity had to admit, just like everyone else who had been unplugged from the Matrix, that even though it was a lie, she missed it. She missed the grass beneath her feet, the warmth of the sun, the sound of laughter. Laughter was only heard on occasion; almost as if it was done too much it would wear out, like a battery. However much help it may be, you won't always have things – you have to treasure things expecting it will be your last time.

Her life today was never based on tomorrow. Dozer once told her to do things with all her heart, as if it was her last day to live. Never put something off – you might never have the chance to do it. Trinity kept this in mind, though she did not always follow it. No, she rarely followed it. She did things as she pleased, but there came a time when she was torn between what to do. That day in the subway, Trinity was so sure Neo would make it out perfectly safe and she could tell him what she said she would. Well, Neo almost didn't make it.

This memory was one Trinity would never let herself forget, for it proved Dozer was right and she was wrong, a concept that she never did like much. It was her fault. If she hadn't hesitated, she wouldn't have wasted so much time and maybe then they would all have gotten out. But then if that had happened Neo might never have known about her feelings for him. Maybe in some scenarios, delaying was for the best.

Four knocks echoed through the door. Even if he hadn't knocked 'his way' Trinity would have known it was Neo. Just leaving someone alone in the core would cause anybody to want to talk, but what triggered the fourth knock? Why would he want to be with her right now?

__

'What better way then to find out.' Trinity thought, sitting up in the bed and leaning against the wall. "Come in." She called, her voice dull and monotone. When Neo stepped inside her room, it was as if he had brought the sun with him. His smile was enough to light up any planet. He had an unusual freshness about him that could only be explained by his newfound ability. He shut the door but stood by it, Trinity giving off the impression that she didn't want him around.

"You look happy." She observed, her words void of emotion. Neo shrugged, his smile shrinking to a grin.

"You don't." He leaned back against the wall as Trinity's cheeks flushed a pale pink. "You look upset. Like you did something wrong."

"Damn it, Neo!" Trinity slammed her fist down onto the hard mattress. "Don't act stupid, you know what I did." For many heartbeats Neo remained by the door, his eyes locked with Trinity's, until she turned away and shut them. Slowly, almost afraid of disturbing her, Neo walked over and stood over Trinity, who stayed on the bed.

"I don't think you did anything wrong to me."

Trinity's icy blue eyes met Neo's again, but the anger was replaced by frustration. "But I think I did." She said forcefully. Why did Neo have to do this to her?

Neo sat down and leaned back, shivering as the cold of the wall touched his back like the prick of a needle, the feeling only lasted a second. "If you're talking about before, when I was in the Matrix…" Neo paused, thinking of the right words to say. "It's ok, I'm not mad."

Trinity rested her head gently on Neo's shoulder. "It's not that. It's before…" She shut her eyes and Neo felt her body tense up.

Neo was shocked. How could Trinity think _she_ was guilty for what happened before. "It was a misunderstanding. I thought it was me you were mad at."

"Why would I be mad at you?"

Neo opened his mouth to speak, but hesitated. He couldn't prove Trinity wrong, not now at least. All he could do was agree, which he wanted to do more than anything else. Then, maybe, she might forgive him. "I don't know." Trinity remained tense, her eyes on the floor. Neo waited for a response, but it never came. So he rose from the bed. "I'm gonna go, ok?"

"Wait." Trinity reached up and took his hand. Neo observed that her hand was cold, like ice. He had been completely oblivious to it before; Unlike the rest of the people on the ship, who acted as though they were to die tomorrow, Neo didn't pay attention to the little things in life. Instead, he concentrated on the more obvious details. "There's something I want to tell you."

Neo turned around and sat back down on the bed, Trinity's blue eyes were never taken off his. Trinity took a deep, shaky breath, exhaling slowly. "It's important, so please listen." Neo grinned.

"What is it? Is it even anything at all or are you just trying to keep me in suspense?" Trinity shook her head, looking down at her hands. Why was it so hard to just say it? What's the worst he could do? They lived in close quarters - he would find out anyways. He'd be angry if she didn't tell him, but then again he might be angry if she does tell him. Either way, she was screwed - she had to tell him.

"Neo, I'm…"

She had to say it. No more games. Neo's hand wandered across the bed and took hold of hers, but she pulled away.

"Neo, I'm pregnant."

Neither of them moved, the moment hanging frozen in time. Trinity waited for it to come, when Neo could no longer hold in his anger and had to release it. But that never came. Instead, Neo shook his head. "You're pregnant?" He couldn't believe it. Were his ears playing tricks on him or did he actually hear Trinity say she was pregnant?

"That explains everything to you." Trinity had to say something to keep her from releasing another secret. She looked up and saw Neo's face beaming with joy. "I'm a father…" He pulled Trinity close to him, thinking he couldn't have been given this joy from anyone else. "I'm a father."

He tilted Trinity's chin up and kissed her, his beauty, his love. He would want nothing more than to live happily with Trinity for the rest of his days. But he also had a duty to fulfill, a Matrix to destroy.

Trinity let Neo kiss her and didn't protest, she didn't feel anything. She was numb. Neo now believed that it was _his_ child growing inside her when really it was none other than the child of the one that nearly led to their deaths. No matter how much they hated it, Cypher would still live on through Trinity's child. Why couldn't she just tell Neo the truth?

It was hard enough for her to tell him that she was pregnant, it was too late to say it's Cypher's kid. _Let him believe it's his kid._ She told herself. _Just for now. He'll have to know sooner or later._ And as Neo held Trinity, she knew she had done something wrong. She should never have told him at all if she wasn't going to tell him the whole truth. Sooner or later he would find out - she knew it would destroy him if she didn't tell him.

But the fact that it was Cypher's baby would destroy him too…


	5. Slip

****

Holding It In

Part 5

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me. Sorry this one took so long. I was away for a little while. *Chord*, I hope you're happy with my attempt in writing romance.

His hand caressed her stomach gently, his fingers tracing over every inch. He seemed mesmerized by his child, his own flesh and blood, growing inside the woman he loved. What more, besides freedom, of course, could he ask for?

Every so often he would glance up at Trinity, her sleeping figure peaceful and carefree. She was six months into her pregnancy, but the baby was still small and Morpheus was the only one that noticed. Trinity's loose clothes helped to cover the baby. Morpheus kept it quiet from the rest of the crew, though he still thought it was Neo's. Not wanting to do any harm to Trinity or the baby, he tried to limit her time in the Matrix to a minimum, much against her wishes.

Neo lay and watched over his sleeping angel with nothing but love and affection shinning through his eyes. Without warning or reason Trinity's eyes shot open, straining to become accustom to the darkness covering the room like a veil. When she saw it was Neo lying beside her, she sighed deeply, comforted by his presence; she was always afraid now, just when she woke up, afraid that she would find someone other than Neo lying next to her.

"How long have I been asleep?" She propped herself up on her shoulders, her duties always her top priority.

Neo chuckled, gently pushing Trinity back down onto the bed. "Everyone's asleep; can't you tell?" He was talking about the darkness that came at the same time every night, even thought the crew never knew what time it really was. They estimated the lights to go off at around nine o-clock. Because there was no sun, it was impossible to determine whether it was night or day. Zion established a standard "lights out" time for all ships to go by.

Trinity shivered and pulled the blanket tight around her body and coughed twice, her eyes shut tight, trying to fight the pain in her throat. "Is it just me," Neo said, wrapping his arms around Trinity's body, cold as ice. "Or is it getting colder?"

Nights were always colder because all the power was shut off. It was a benefit because squiddies would rarely notice signs of life in the dark, barren sewers. Trinity's body went tight when a coughing fit came over her. Neo could do nothing but wait for it to pass. It frustrated him when he could do nothing but watch his beautiful Trinity in pain. He wondered if she was taking any medicines or if it would cause the baby any harm.

"Cold never helped a cold." Trinity said, her voice strained and hoarse. Neo, massaging her forehead gently, suggested that she should go back and sleep. Trinity shook her head. "I'm not so tired."

Neo sank back against the hard pillow. "Well I sure am." How long had he stayed awake, watching over Trinity as she slept?

The sides of Trinity's mouth turned up to form a playful smirk. "Were you watching me?"

"Yeah…" Neo admitted, wanting to tell Trinity how beautiful she was without making a complete fool of himself. He knew she didn't care about looks; maybe that's why she always looked so amazing.

Trinity snuggled closer to Neo and shut her eyes, her mouth stretching into a yawn. "I guess I am tired." She confessed, her throat aching with each word. Neo turned her head towards his and kissed her gently.

"Now you'll get sick." Trinity said, almost irritated. "That's just what you need." Her voice softened a little when Neo grinned.

"We can both be sick together." And then they kissed again, more loving, more passionate. Trinity fell asleep in minutes. Neo stayed awake until he was sure the figure next to him was sleeping before closing his eyes.

***

"What's wrong with Trinity?" Glitch asked, massaging her temples gently, trying to get rid of a headache. She sat in the operators chair, her face bathed in green light.

From behind the screens of code came another female voice. "She's sick." It was Dion.

"Again." Glitch added, getting up from the chair and walking behind the table to find Dion and Kane, the newest of the unplugged, sitting in two of the vintage dentist chairs.

Kane looked at Glitch, his body trembling from the cold, even beneath the blanket he had wrapped tightly around his frail form. The cold was something he was bound to get used to. Everyone else had. "What do you mean, again?"

Glitch walked around the table, grinning wickedly. Dion knew that look and giggled. "Glitch, what did you do?"

"It's light's out," Glitch stated, sitting down in another chair. "Why are you both up?" Kane, immediately thinking he was being accused of doing something wrong, like being awake was a bad thing, began stuttering apologies. Dion patted him lightly on the shoulder.

"Chill, man. It doesn't matter." She knew Glitch had done something. She was always pulling pranks. "What did you do, Glitch?" She asked again.

"What are you blaming me for?" Glitch put her hand on her heart, pretending to be insulted. "I can't help it if I _accidentally_ tripped over the wire and shut off the lights."

Dion was on the floor laughing. Kane had a faint smile on his face. He was still recovering from the shock of waking up in the power plant, but he had let his guard down enough to begin to trust the crew. Glitch's eyes held the look of a mad woman, mad and crazy, yet somehow managing to be loveable at the same time. "If I'm correct, it's about eleven in the morning, Zion Time."

"Well I do appreciate you letting me sleep those extra hours, but you should have said that a little quieter." Glitch turned to find Neo standing by the ladder. He grinned at Glitch's antics as she hid behind one of the dentist chairs.

"Don't hurt me!" She wailed, peeking out to see if Neo was approaching.

"I should go turn the power back on." Neo said, collapsing into the Operator's chair. "But I don't think I can walk that far." He rubbed his eyes. "Too tired to make it."

Glitch, seeing how Neo had no intentions of harming her at the moment, came out of her hiding place. "Really, Neo, what's wrong with Trinity?" Neo looked up at the three pairs of eyes looking down at him. Blue, brown and green; Glitch, Dion and Kane. What should he tell them? That she was pregnant? No, then they wouldn't leave Trinity alone. But whatever he should say, he'd better say it soon. The quickly lengthening silence was a dead giveaway that something was going on and he didn't want to say so.

"What do you mean?" He said, pretending to be completely ignorant to what he knew. "She's not sick."

"Well, can you call her constant stomach pains and her frequent dashes to the toilet healthy?" Dion asked, rolling her eyes.

Neo couldn't tell them. It would ruin everything. Trinity would let them know when she wants to. "She's fine."

"Don't lie to us, Neo." Kane spoke softly, keeping his green eyes on the floor. "Even I can see that she's pregnant."

Dion looked shocked; Glitch was delighted. "You? A dad?" She clapped her hands together. "That'll be great." Kane glanced at Neo for a heartbeat before moving his eyes back to the floor, but he saw what he had done to Neo, who's eyes were darting around, his brain racing to come up with an excuse.

"She-She never told me anything. She's just a little sick." Neo rose from the chair and turned to walk away. "She's not pregnant. She would have told me." And he disappeared down the ladder.

Dion and Glitch both looked at Kane, who wrapped the blanket tighter around him. Without another word, he, too, was gone down the ladder. The two girls exchanged matching confused looks before Dion left Glitch alone in the Core.

The lights flickered on minutes later.


	6. Commence

****

Holding It In

Part 6

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me.

__

"You know I love you, Trinity. You can't say I haven't told you enough."

Cypher was lying next to her in bed, his arms wrapped around her. She tried to slip out of his grasp.

"Don't fight it. You know you love me back."

Trinity tried harder but his arms held her, like a cage.

"That's gonna be one handsome baby. Hope he gets my smile. Maybe my eyes."

No! She wasn't pregnant with his_ baby. It was Neo's. She loved Neo._

"Then why are you in bed with me?"

"Neo." She gasped, sitting up in bed, her eyes darting around, searching for Neo. He wasn't with her. But neither was Cypher. Her breath coming in short, ragged gasps, she fell back against the pillow, her face sweaty.

It was just a dream. Just a nightmare. Cypher was dead. Trinity's hands moved over her stomach, feeling the baby was still there. If only that was a dream as well. If only she would wake up and everything would be fine. There would be no Cypher. No baby. No Matrix. Just Neo. And none of the raised voices outside in the hall that woke her up.

"Do you really think she is?"

"Of course. We all know Neo's horrible liar."

"I never would have thought Kane would notice. Of all people, he hardly ever leaves his room, let alone take his eyes off the floor."

"He's scared, Dion. I shouldn't need to remind you of when you were new."

"Shut up. He's been here a while. He might at least try and say something."

"He said something last night."  


"Do you think he meant it?"

"Sure."

"What did Kane say?" The two girls were surprised to find Trinity standing in the doorway of her room, looking them over like a hawk watches its prey.

Glitch nudged Dion, hoping to get her message across. Don't tell Trinity. Dion roller her eyes, knowing exactly what Glitch wanted to say. Why would she be so stupid and tell Trinity?

She stood, unmoving in the door, waiting for the answer that never came. "Did Kane tell you something…" She stepped out of the doorframe, the two girls frozen in their places. "That you weren't supposed to know?" Glitch nodded.

"Y-yeah, but we can't tell, your shirt being loose and-"

Trinity held up a hand. "Kane didn't tell you anything." She held onto the doorframe with her other hand for support. "Whatever he said will be forgotten. Is that clear?"

Glitch and Dion looked scared out of their wits. They both began speaking at the same time, agreeing with Trinity before making a mad dash to the ladder, their escape route. That's where people always went when they wanted to be away from a certain someone, in this case Trinity.

Trinity sighed, her shoulders slumping as she let go of the door and slowly, cautiously, made her way to the ladder to look for Neo. The baby was still small, but it hurt like she was carrying around a living boulder in her stomach.

So now everyone knew about the baby. No, that wasn't entirely true. They all knew she was pregnant, that's all. Tank was good at keeping secrets; Nobody knew it was Cypher's baby. Nobody knew and nobody would know until the time was right. But in a world where you are trapped in a metal cage surrounded by the same people 24/7 and are fighting to save the human race, the time is never right.

Neo was sitting in the galley when Trinity found him, tracing lazy circles in his goop with his rusted eating utensil, whether it was a fork or spoon was beyond anyone's knowledge. But what good was a spork unless the goop froze up from the cold? Kane was seated across from him, his head in his arms. No words were being exchanged - was Kane asleep? On such a cold table? Trinity could only imagine how uncomfortable that might be.

She slid into the vacant seat next to Neo, who snapped out of his daze with a start, dropping his spork. It hit the table with a loud metal clang. Kane shifted, but didn't show any signs of being awake. Neo let out a breath of relief, turning to face Trinity. He was holding back laughter, letting Kane sleep.

"You're always creeping around, sneaking up on people." He nudged Trinity's shoulder playfully.

She smirked. "Well I'm sorry I don't stomp around the ship like an ape. It's taken me twelve years of practice to be able to walk so quietly."

"Well maybe you might consider being a bit louder next time." He suggested, shoveling a sporkful of goop into his mouth. "It scares me when you do that." He sent bits of food flying from his mouth, having not finished his mouthful.

Trinity slid away from Neo and the flying goop. "I'll do whatever you say," She waited for Neo to stop talking before moving back next to him. "As long as you swallow before you talk. Honestly, it's like you're five."

Neo laughed, but quickly slapped his hand over his mouth, both his and Trinity's eyes on Kane, who thankfully made no movements. Trinity shook her head disapprovingly. "He really should be in a bed."

Neo held up a hand and shook his head. Trinity had found him in one of his moods. "Why? Cold metal tables are _much_ more comfortable than beds." Even though the mattresses were so hard they could almost pass as tables. Fluffy tables with a pillow at the end, covered with a blanket in case it got cold.

Neo took Trinity's hand beneath the table, giving it a light squeeze. It was moments like these that they took for granted, being alone. Well, almost alone. If it weren't for Kane's heavy breathing, and the cold, the moment would have been perfect. Trinity rested her head on Neo's shoulder, his hand touching her arm.

She sighed deeply, forgetting all her inner demons for the time being, letting Neo comfort her. "My god, I love you…" Neo spoke softly, but words didn't matter. Words would only work against her when it came down to finally telling Neo the truth. But Trinity tried not to think about that. All she had was Neo.

And then it was like a bomb exploded in her stomach, and she tensed, squeezing Neo's hand like a stress ball. Neo sat up, watching Trinity struggling to regain composure. She looked like she was going to be sick. "Jesus, Trinity, what's wrong? Is it the baby?"

Of course it was the baby, Trinity wanted to say, but her full concentration was on keeping her food inside her stomach. Neo's fingers began to grow numb, but Trinity did not loosen her hold as her breathing sped up.

"Neo." She managed to get the words out. Words, not the contents of her stomach. "Get help." She almost sounded scared.

~~*~~*~~

Sorry this pointless/aimless waste of space disguised as a chapter. But ever since I wrote that crappy agent poem (which I am NOT posting as of now) I feel I can actually write again. If only others would do the same. The baby comes next chapter! Yay! And also something else happens too.


	7. Over

****

Holding It In

Part 7

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me.

Please don't throw stones, for I have never been pregnant nor have I ever witnessed a birth (Health Class doesn't count!), so I tried to stray away from describing the details of pregnancy. This chapter, like the last one, is pretty much just taking up space. It took way too long for me to come up with this, but I promise the next chapter will be sooner (and not quote so crappy).

Her baby was dead.

__

Cypher's baby is dead, not yours.

But she still conceived it.

__

You could have prevented it.

But she didn't.

__

Why? Because you're a coward.

Neo clasped her hands in his own, sitting at her side, his eyes never leaving her even as she slept, taking note of every rise and fall of her chest, any movement or sound at all; the beeps of the heart monitor, a cough, anything to distract him from the horrible truth.

His child had died.

His child had never been alive to begin with. It had been made to die - it was its destiny. _Almost like your own._ Neo's destiny was to become the One and destroy the Matrix. He smiled, finding it amusing how he could find things he had in common with the child. Neither one had any control over where destiny planned on taking them. Like a river, it can only flow in the direction set out for it until eventually becoming part of something bigger. A sea, or an ocean.

It had been a stillbirth, according to Morpheus. Trinity's body found it un-necessary to carry the child any longer, so she got rid of it. The horrible truth seemed to have affected Neo almost as much, if not more than Trinity, who had finally fallen asleep. The sight of her tiny child had made her mind reel with anger and confusion. It was so tiny, so perfect, without the cruel scars of the real world that they all bore. What purpose was it to deny life for the only one aboard the Nebuchadnezzar who was never even alive at all?

__

It isn't yours. It's Cypher's. Don't blame yourself.

At the same time, another part of Trinity argued back. Blaming herself seemed to be the only thing she could do as she lay there, Neo holding her hands, his touch gentle, the rhythmic pattern of his fingers caressing her skin slowly lulling her to sleep. Her only wish was for a dreamless sleep, and for once night she was granted peace.

And as she slept, Neo remained awake, puzzled thoughts running through his head. What had happen to cause the death of their child? What had they done wrong? What had he done wrong?

"You're awake. How're you feeling?"

Trinity wasn't aware of the subtle change from being asleep to being awake until she heard Neo's voice bringing her back to reality. The words swam in her head, making it so all she wanted to do was sleep again, but a growing pain kept her from doing so, and she opened her eyes, the sight of Neo being the first thing she saw, and all she ever wanted to see.

She blinked a few times to clear her vision. Her head felt heavy, her body numb - it must have been all the drugs they'd given her to help ease the pain of her recent loss. But it could never heal the pain of guilt. Turning her head to face Neo, she saw his concern and his eagerness to help, but also sadness. He felt he had lost his child.

At once Trinity was angered by this. He had no right to be upset about this - it wasn't his child. He had not betrayed everyone, including himself, and slept with the cause of so many lost lives. She turned onto her side, her back stiff, and blinked her eyes a few times, breathing deeply. "I'm ok," She lied automatically.

She looked over Neo, the circles under his half-closed eyes, the way his shoulders slumped. "You look tired, go get some sleep."

Neo got up from his seat and walked to thee door. "Be right back." he whispered before exiting, leaving the door slightly ajar. Trinity looked up at the ceiling, her eyes blurring the world around her so it seemed she was in a dream, a dream she wasn't even aware of until Neo got back. He held his blanket under one arm and his pillow under the other, a grin upon his face. Trinity shook her head. "Neo, what are you doing?"

His grin broadened. "Don't tell me I have to go back and get the mattress." He dropped his things and moved to the side of her bed, taking her hand again and kissing her forehead.

"I knew you'd get mad if I didn't bring in my blanket." He said smugly, and Trinity bit back a smile. Neo, she played his name over and over in her head. Neo loved her, and that was all that mattered. As long as she kept her secret, things would be fine.

__

But oh god, I feel I've been lied to

Lost all faith in the things I have achieved

And I - I've woken now

To find myself in the shadows of all I have created

-Evanescence, _'Away from Me'_

She didn't even notice she had fallen asleep until Neo was gently shaking her awake. The room was dark, but a dim light made it possible to see his face - he looked like a child that had looked through a window and had seen something he wasn't supposed to. She reached out to him, tracing his features with her fingers. Beneath him, Trinity felt him tense up - she pulled her hand away. "What's wrong?"

The question seemed to hurt Neo, who withdrew into the shadows so Trinity could no longer see him. He was breathing rapidly. "You talk in your sleep, Trin." His hands clenched into fists at his sides. "You're not telling me something."

This was like one of those horror movies, when the lead received a phone call from the killer, telling her he'd killed her family and now he was after her. Only the fear Trinity felt might possibly have been even greater. She gasped, but tried to push it aside like most other feelings. She hadn't talked in her sleep for years - why start now? What had Neo heard?

"Neo…" Trinity reached out again, her fingers brushing against his clothes, but he backed away even further. Her stomach tied itself in a tight knot. "What…what did I say?"

"Enough." Was all he replied with, picking up his pillow and letting the door slam behind him.

Trinity was alone, her eyes welling with tears, her heart aching. She was alone - no one was watching. With that in mind, she cried, pressing her face into the pillow, tears staining the material, her cries bouncing off the metal walls with increasing volume.

Neo came back later, he came to get his blanket. He entered and left without a word.

And he didn't knock.

Sorry again for the slow update! Don't use it against me later - I *promise* the next chapter will come sooner.


	8. Emergency

****

Holding It In

Part 8 (already!)

The Matrix does NOT belong to me. Sure, I want it and all, but it's not happening. Judging by all the money they're raking in, I don't think the Wachowskis will ever be willing to give it up to a person like me.

Again, another long wait. I have seen Reloaded, but none of those events will have anything to do with this fic. A big thanks goes out to Centaur for coming up with the l33t hax0r names and for helping me with, well, everything!

The days went by, and soon Trinity was able to resume her duties. She noticed that Neo had moved into Mouse's old room to sleep, and he did the best he could to avoid passing by Trinity in the halls. He knew her routine schedule, so it was no great challenge. Sometimes, Trinity saw him, and she softly said his name, but he would walk quickly away, blocking her voice out of his head. She would sometimes knock on his door, but he would never answer. She never tried to open the door, because she knew it was locked, and she knew what she would find if it wasn't.

She remembered one night, one of the first nights after Neo stopped talking to her. She came to his door, knocked softly. "Neo, please open the door. We need to talk."

He sounded hurt, but at the same time almost irritated. "I don't want to hear what you have to say." Trinity knocked again, but there was only silence behind the door. She could feel a tear slipping down her cheek, so she ran to her room before anyone could see. She bolted her door shut and cried into her pillow like she would have done when she was a little girl.

Weighed down by the grief of losing a child, and possibly losing a love, Trinity buried herself in work, spending long hours seated in front of the green scrolling code that was the Matrix. She didn't even have to ask to take anyone's extra shifts. If anyone showed up and Trinity was already in the seat, there was no way getting her out until she was finished. She tried to keep herself busy to keep her heart from shattering into billions of pieces, impossible to put back together.

Along with scanning the Matrix, Trinity began writing a new training program, a difficult program that would require anyone's concentration to be at its highest to succeed. In the program, one had to perform a series of difficult feats, some fighting, some shooting, and it ended with an Agent. It was difficult, but it absorbed most of her time. She hardly slept anymore, and she hardly ate, except for breakfast. The pain of hunger gnawing at her stomach was a welcome distraction from the pain in her heart.

Once during a shift, she heard footsteps on the floor behind her. She turned, expecting to see Kane or Dion even, but it was none other than Neo, looking lost and dejected. She watched him - he didn't notice her - and she wanted to reach out to him, hold him close and never let him go, tell him over and over that she loved him. But he looked up and saw her sitting there, and turned to leave.

"Neo, why won't you even look at me?" He didn't look at her, he didn't answer, but he did stop walking. "So what if I screwed up before? It wasn't my fault. I wasn't condemned to you when I didn't even know who the hell you were!" She could feel her throat constricting, so she swallowed hard. "I wasn't waiting my entire fucking life just for you!"

It was harsh, yes, and she could see him flinch, but they weren't getting anywhere by him ignoring her. He took a deep breath, and through the darkness his eyes, dark pools of sadness, pierced hers, and he spoke quietly. "You could have told me." He paused. "What did you think I would have done?"

Trinity's mouth had gone dry, she could speak. She could only watch as he left, not bothering to wait for an answer. Either he didn't think she had anything to say, or he just couldn't bear to be with her anymore. Trinity put her head in her hands, held her breath for a moment and then let it out in a dry sob. In an attempt to keep from crying, she fixed her vision once more on the code.

She didn't even see anything anymore, it was all green blurs that just continued to blur the more she looked at them. Finally, she couldn't stay awake any longer, she felt like she would break if she tortured herself any more, and her eyes shut, her head dropping to the table like a stone; she was asleep.

She slept silently this time, but she was only granted an hour before the ostinato of the computer beeping caused her to jump awake. The screen flashed red, blinking words telling her someone had sent a message. She tapped the 'accept' button with her finger, the force shaking the screen slightly as an image of two young looking boys appeared. One of them had flaming red hair and a gash running across his lip. The other looked somewhat older than the first. He was tall, yet slimmer, and his entire body was shaking.

Neither of them could have been unplugged longer than a year, Trinity observed. They were both looking around for something, possibly the camera. "Is it on?" The first one asked, and as he turned his head to face the camera, Trinity saw that his hair wasn't red, but just drenched with blood. The second one nodded. "I think so." Trinity watched them as they fumbled with switches and buttons that could not be seen on the screen, the part of their ship behind them looked all but destroyed. Was it an attack, Trinity wondered, or just careless piloting?

The first one had found the camera and began speaking, his voice rushed and scared. "This is Scabbard from the Icarus, we-we're down…" It was obvious that he was trying to control himself from panicking. The older one started talking.

"This is Corto, the EMP wasn't charged enough when our location was discovered by sentinels." Even his voice was shaky. Trinity had her eyes fixed on the screen, unblinking. "Most of us were in the Matrix. Captain…let us out first, and Echo. The rest are dead. Echo…"

Scabbard picked up where Corto left off. "Echo's unconscious, hit in the head and bleeding everywhere, won't wake up. Everyone else, dead. Operator's dead, we were near the guns…that shoot the blue lights…and…" He struggled for words, and Corto took over once again.

"Engines won't work anymore, nothing works, and we don't know how to fix it. We need help, don't know how long we'll manage, please."

Trinity heard Scabbard whisper, "Now?" and with a nod from Corto, he reached up, clicked a button and the screen went blank. By the time 'End One-Way Transmission' began to flash on the screen, Trinity was already setting up a two-way connection back to the Icarus. If they were able to send out, they must be able to get something sent back. Trinity pressed 'send' and waited for Corto or Scabbard to turn on their camera, if they even knew how.

It was a good two minutes before Scabbard's bloody face appeared on Trinity's screen, and she quickly ran-through the emergency procedure in her head, the one she had been taught. "This is the Nebuchadnezzar broadcasting to the Icarus. Do you read me?" Scabbard replied with a 'yeah,' Trinity opened her mouth to speak, but Scabbard cut her off.

"Please, don't let us die here. It's so terrible, everything is blood, every room, all dead bodies, you have to come-"

The terror in his voice penetrated Trinity's walls before she could do anything, his words came so suddenly; he didn't want to die in a graveyard. Trinity had to say his name twice before he was quiet. _I guess they're too new to know about procedure._ "Just try to stay calm. I need you to answer a few questions for me. How many of you are alive?"

"There's me, me and Corto, and then Echo, but we don't know about her, Corto's with her and-" He talked so fast.

"Scabbard, give me a number."

"Three."

"What are your current injuries?"

Scabbard had to think for a moment. "My wrist, it's twisted real bad, and there's lots of cuts. My knee…I think it's broken, and my head, why's it bleeding so much?"

"Please, you have to try and calm down." Scabbard nodded lightly. "Head wounds tend to bleed more than most others. Can you tell me your location?" Trinity struggled to keep her voice calm to help calm Scabbard, who seemed to be on the verge of an anxiety attack..

"Um, no I don't think I - Corto!" His face disappeared from the screen just after a dull 'thud' sounded in the background.

"Scabbard! Scabbard, come back! I need to know your location!" She could easily have gotten Morpheus to run a scan of the area from the cockpit, but she would have to leave to wake him, and right now the Icarus demanded all of her time. "What just happened?" She raised her voice, hoping it would wake someone on the ship.

Scabbard's voice was distant, and it sounded like he was crying. "Corto, he just collapsed…he's so pale, he's not answering me! Corto, please, get up! I think it's blood loss, I don't know."

Trinity cursed that he was just out of the camera's range. "What are his injuries?" She waited, hearing noises in the background, but no words. She asked her question again, her voice more tense. Finally, a response came.

"So much blood…his leg, his leg's gone, and, I don't know, there's too much blood."

Trinity cursed under her breath. "Are there medical supplies nearby?" Scabbard replied affirmatively. "Scabbard, wrap his leg up, make it tight. Try your best to stop the blood. I have to leave for a little while, I need to find your location." She got up and ran down the hallway only to run into Kane, heading for the core.

  
"I…I heard what's happening, a-and I just uploaded medical the other day…and…" He still had no idea what to do? Trinity had very little patience for people like Kane, but she just clenched her hands into fists. As long as she had someone else to help her.

"Go to the core, talk to them." She said as she ran to the cockpit, slamming her fist against the doors of everyone's cabins on the way, hoping it would wake them. Her fingers were a blur as she tried to locate the Icarus. Luck came to her then, when she found the ship was relatively close. She flew slowly and carefully, to avoid the sentinels, since she didn't know if any of them had lasted for the duration of the attack.

By the time the Neb got to the Icarus, everyone was awake and waiting near the exit hatch. Trinity was the first one out, just as Morpheus was telling Scabbard, over the two-way, how to open the hatch, and she was the first one inside the mess that was the Icarus. She immediately recognized Scabbard, slumped in the operator's chair, and Corto, who was now sitting up against the wall, his eyes squeezed tight in an effort to block out the pain. A woman lay nearby, her long hair matted with blood.

The air was thick with the smell of it, and Trinity gagged when she took her first breath inside. The dead were left behind when Corto and Scabbard were taken to the Neb's medical facilities. Dion and Morpheus stayed back with Echo, afraid to move her before discovering what injuries she sustained. Trinity and Glitch were with Corto, leaving Neo and Kane with Scabbard.

Trinity injected Corto with sedatives before she did anything; he was still shaking and his face was pale. "Corto, Corto," She snapped her fingers to get his attention, and only his eyes turned to her. "Corto, I want you to talk to me, ok? Tell me something."

He looked confused. "What…to tell?" Already, his grip on Trinity's hand had begun to loosen, his harsh breathing slowing.

"Anything."

Corto shut his eyes and took a deep breath. "Stole my name…from Neuromancer, Gibson…" He was out, and they began to work on his leg.

Their plan was to keep Corto unconscious for as long as they could, so he should feel as less pain as possible, until they got to Zion. He would most likely withstand another operation or two to make it possible for him to walk again (with a prosthetic). Scabbard lay on the bed nearby, his breathing harsh and fast, refusing sleeping pills and sedatives. Once he had fallen asleep on his own, Trinity left the med bay to try and get sleep as well. Images of blood and torn flesh flickered in her mind like a mental slide show, and she knew they wouldn't let her get any sleep, so she took a single sleeping pill from the shelves of medical supplies to help her along. On her way, she passed by Morpheus, on his way to where she came from. 

"How's Echo?" Trinity asked, leaning against the wall so her captain could pass. "She stable?"

Morpheus stopped walking, shook his head. "She's dead."

Trinity pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes, leaving a trail of blood on her forehead. Ah, the casualties of war. Accidents always left at least one person dead. Sometimes, just when a crew thought they were out of the woods, something would come out of nowhere and take life away. In the case of the Icarus, only two lives were spared, and they were the two newest on the ship. Morpheus sighed when Trinity remained silent. "How are the others?"

"Scabbard's fine, he was having a panic attack or something. Corto's knocked out, I want to keep it like that until we get to Zion. The kid's gonna need a new leg." She spoke to the floor. "I want to try and keep him from hurting. All we did was stabilize him, so he won't bleed to death." She fingered the small dot on her arm, the spot where Glitch had taken her blood.

Morpheus nodded. "You did well today. Your instincts were perfect." Go figure he would make everything sound like an organized mission. This was an emergency, no plans except those made by the sentinels.

She sighed. "I was just doing my job. Those kids would have died."

"Yes, had it not been for you." He slipped past Trinity and started walking again, but she called him soon after.

"Someone needs to stay with them." Morpheus thought she meant in the med bay, and he gave her a questionable look. Did she not see that was where he was headed?

Trinity knew that if she hadn't been there, the kids would have died, but now where would they go? There weren't enough beds on the Neb for all of them, and it would be un-reasonable for anyone to sleep on the floor, not to mention that it would leave them more prone to illness. "After they fix the ship in Zion, someone has to stay with them."

"The two of them could join another ship." Morpheus paused to think for a moment. "Let the council deal with them. We'll have already helped them enough by the time we get them back to Zion. We don't need to go further out of our way."

"Like hell they will." She said, masking her anger efficiently. "It took these kids long enough to figure out how to send out a transmission. There's no way they can manage alone."

"But Kane, Dion and Glitch don't know how to pilot, and-"

Trinity cut him off, finishing his sentence. "And you're the captain and Neo's the One. Tank can't pilot either, and you need an operator. So I guess I'm the only one left." She didn't wait for Morpheus to answer, coming off the wall and walking to her room, her thumb running over the surface of the sleeping pill.

That wasn't the reason she wanted to leave. The Icarus was merely an aid. She saw the way Neo was now, and it was tearing her up inside. It hurt her to look at him, and it hurt even more when his eyes met hers for a brief second before he directed hiss to a different view. Trinity couldn't risk staying on the Neb any longer than she had to. She was scared to death that Neo might do something drastic because of her.

She loved him too much to see him hurting.

When they finally arrived in Zion, she waited outside the room where Corto was being operated on. Scabbard sat next to her when she explained their present situation, giving him the choice of staying in Zion or re-building the Icarus. It was obvious what he chose. Trinity never went back to the Neb at it's given departure time - she stayed in Corto's room, pretending to be asleep in the chair.. She never went back to the Neb again, and she never said goodbye.

Two Years Later.

__

I'm inside now. Look around me, the street's perfectly clear, so I start to run. I know the virus we've written is running from somewhere outside in the Real world.. My injuries from the Real fighting disappear when I'm inside, everything is fine. They didn't want me to go in at first, they were afraid of what would happen to me when I get back. But I had to stay. Can't let the agents send out more sentinels.

But still the images of the dead are haunting me, too many died to save everyone else. It wasn't fair. I didn't deserve this. Who decided that everyone's survival would depend on me? Each time someone dies, I feel guilty, like I could have done something about it, just like how I had done something to save Trinity…

Before I see her face in my head, the agents come. All of them. Already I can see the virus starting to work, the code is different, warping, encryptions I've never seen. And it scares me, because I might not get out at all, I might not get to help outside once it's finished inside. I need to get rid of the agents, and they know it. They're planning an attack, an attack on me. I know because I can see it.

I also see that I can't fly anymore. Already, the rules I once could bend and break are dissolving, the rules of a system that will soon be gone. I can't fly, and I can't stop their bullets either. I know because I can feel it, blood erupting like small volcanoes all over my body, and even though I've managed to dodge some, it still won't help.

I try to fight, but I know how it will end. I know because I can start to feel it, so I run. I try. After all, these bullets aren't real, are they? I don't know anymore, I can't think anymore. I've got the phone in my hand now, but I don't know it anymore.

Crying now, screaming, the agony is so much. Hands touching me, but I can't hear it. Angels lifting me up and away? Everything is gone, all but my name. Neo? "Neo!" _I hear that, and then it's all gone. Everything is gone._

---

Wow…all of that chapter took way too long than it should have. I'm terribly sorry, even though I had to revise it. This should be the second to last chapter if everything works out ok. Thanks for sticking with me!


	9. Pain

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Holding It In

Part 9

Please keep in mind that NONE OF THIS ties in with Reloaded at all. I had all of my ideas before Reloaded even came out. I would never rip off anything so shamelessly like others have done in the past. This is supposed to be an original fic, even with the whole oh-look-trinity's-pregnant! Cliché. So don't complain if you think a certain part hits too close to home. Just tell me nicely. Also tell me if you catch my Princess Bride reference. Great book, great film. If you see it, you get a prize.

Oops! I almost forgot to re-state my poverty. It's not mine! Why would you think it was?! And I owe Beat my life. I give her a very heart-felt thanks, a hug, and congratulations! Haha.

Sorry about making you guys think this was the last chapter. Well, it isn't, Centaur convinced me. So I decided not to give you a big cliffhanger out of kindness.

__

This is the end. It's over. What we've all been fighting for. It didn't seem all that different, Trinity observed as she walked along one of the many levels of Zion. Finally free, but everything is still the same. It felt like any regular day. There were endless meetings of future plans held in conference rooms, attended by captains, commanders and councilors, but not the One, and not Trinity, who was never a legal captain, so she did not attend. As for Neo, it was as if he never even existed.

Humanity didn't have to worry about the sentinels and other machines anymore - their power source had shut down. The Matrix was destroyed, billions of humans lay dead in their pods, never born, never aware of the truth. So much was different, but everything felt the same. Nothing was changing.

Not even the endless partied showed any signs of dying down. Starting in the late afternoon, the music and celebrations wouldn't stop until the early morning. Of course, Trinity attended almost every one. But after a week she grew bored, and would escape the noise of the drums and human voices into a peaceful, drug-induced party of her own. Sometimes Scabbard or Corto would join her, but she was usually alone.

She woke up one morning on the floor of Corto's room, the left sleeve of her shirt rolled up. Corto saw the marks on her arm and shook his head. "Trinity, you shouldn't do that."

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." She said sleepily, staring up at the ceiling.

Corto sighed and helped her sit up. "But this will kill you. One day you'll overdose and die."

Trinity pulled away from Corto's hold and stood up on un-steady legs. "Then I guess I'm not strong enough." Without even unrolling her sleeve, she walked to the door, resting for a moment before opening it. She didn't fear death anymore. She had fought and survived a war for thirteen years, she had carefully avoided the same death that had taken away so many others, so many people who didn't deserve it as much as she.

But she was never the type to take her own life away, intentionally. During her Neb days, she had drilled the goal of survival too deep into her mind to ever go against those ideals.

"Where are you going?"

"I need to walk. Clear my head." She replied. Had she not been under the influence of any drugs, she would have noticed Corto was worried about her; he had been ever since she became the captain of the Icarus. She was always working far too hard, taking too many extra shifts with the excuse that he and Scabbard still needed rest to make a full recovery. He feared that now that the war and their ship days were over, without any work to do, Trinity would find something else, something possibly dangerous, to put her time into. And she did.

She wasn't addicted, at least not yet. She had so much self control it was unbelievable. But who knew what the future held? Only time could tell, and frankly, it was never a big fan of talking. But it did lead her along the walkways of Zion, intricate puzzles of steel, and on until she had no knowledge of ever being where she was. Peering over the railing, Trinity observed that she was only a few floors above ground level. She walked a circle around the level, just watching people, picking up little habits and taking note. The rush of the drug was over - She was bored.

Later, Trinity noticed a man who looked like he knew her, but she couldn't match his face with a name just yet. Maybe in another few minutes. But the man stopped in front of her, a warm smile gracing his features. "Trinity, it's been a long time." Morpheus. That was his name.

  
She nodded, muttering in agreement, already knowing where this would lead. It had been two years without as much as a one-way transmission from the Neb. Now, he stood before her, and would most likely lie about how much he missed her. It was all part of the role of 'father' - it must have come in the job description for Captain.

Often, captains would send brief transmissions letting the others know what condition their ships and crews were in. It was never a regulation; it was just a way of letting everyone know you were alive and well, more like a greeting card than anything. Trinity had sent out a few transmissions in her days as captain, than duty and respect for the other ships being the only reason - everyone had a right to know about their condition. No one had ever sent any transmissions back to the Icarus. Trinity bitterly remembered the reason being that no one approved of her captaining the Icarus after the accident. All the other captains believed that the two injured should remain in Zion until other ships could take them aboard their crew.

Of course, they would have been separated, and Trinity didn't want to see that happen. They had endured so much together, and were still alive. That had to be more than luck, but Trinity didn't know what. Had she still believed in fate, she wouldn't have called it by any other name.

"How does it feel for you?" After all these years of Morpheus leaving Trinity lost and confused, the roles were now reversed.

"Excuse me?"

"Freedom." She smirked. "How's it feel to be free?"

At the word, Morpheus stood up a little straighter, and his smile broadened. Freedom, it was his purpose, why he was still alive. He lived for it, he fought for it, he almost died for it, and now, there it was. What to do now? What was today's purpose? He drew in a deep breath, choosing his words carefully. 

"It feels…like nothing I've ever experienced before." Trinity couldn't help but smile. Morpheus, ever the philosopher. This was the closest to a real answer he had ever given, a step up for her ex-captain. _All I want is a little yes or no._ The words shook her from the inside out, she reached over to grab hold of the railing, to steady herself on the ledge overlooking the cliffs of insanity that beckoned to her.

"I'm fine." She said quickly before Morpheus could say anything. She got her now rapid breathing under control and released her grip on the railing.

"You are," Morpheus said solemnly, bringing up a more difficult subject. "but Neo isn't."

__

Eyes open, no different than keeping them closed. No sound I can hear, numb, can't see anything. Blink. So hard to open my eyes again, they close on their own. Everything is gone. Everything._ Eyes open again, don't know how long it's been. Not everything is gone anymore, seeing not black but dizzying blurs, can't make anything out. Turn my head, feel a pillow beneath it, blanket over my body. A hand on my arm, a voice in my ear, "You're alive, you can rest now." Can barely hear it, can't figure out who, or what? Eyes closing, gone again._

As if submerged in an ocean, can't hear, can't see, but getting better. Seeing shapes now, colors moving before my eyes, hearing voices in my ears that I can't recognize. Shapes and colors combine, and I see Morpheus, captain, standing over me, see commander, councilors, operator, other faces. Feel hands on me and know this isn't heaven, this isn't death. It can't be, and it's all gone, but I know it will come back.

Wake up, a hand releases a grip on mine, rushed footsteps fading into the distance. Words forming on the tip of my tongue but I can't say them. I hear a noise, loud, a door closing, and it is gone. Door opens again, I recognize the voice, shape and color of Morpheus. Can't hear what he's saying, but I know someone is missing, someone is still gone, and so am I.

I feel a hand again, holding mine gently. Keep still. Slowly open one eye, then the other. They are shapes and colors I don't recognize at first, because so long since I've seen them last. But I know the touch, the feeling of skin against mine. I turn my head more, not wanting to be left alone again. Words now, her words, "awake? hear me?" and I know she's with me now. Try to answer, fail. Try again, make a noise, hand still holding mine. Darkness tugging at the back of my mind, but I don't want to leave her. Don't want to come back and she'll be gone. It's been too long already, can't let it go now.

Eyes won't clear up, can't hear whether or not she's talking now. All I see are her colors, the shape of her, but then that's gone too, like everything else. Like… Trinity.

"Is he alive?" She had asked, struggling to keep her voice steady; she had to keep the river of her emotions dammed up, otherwise it would drown her.

"Barely." The most overrated word in the English language. Barely was the fine line between life and death, the line that determined everything. "He's been in a coma, since the battle. He woke up today, I'd know he'd want to see you more than anything."

Morpheus had given Trinity the room number and level of where Neo was staying - Level 1. Trinity remembered being on this level twice before. The first was when Neo first came to Zion. He was injured, critical, having been shot multiple times by Agent Smith. They got into Zion as fast as they possibly could, and once Neo was stable they moved him up to the top level to recover, away from the noise and crowds of lower Zion. The second time was when she was fresh out of the Matrix, young and stupid, believing that she _was_ the One and could do anything; the attitude almost killed her.

__

At least Neo's stable now. If not, they would never have bothered to drag a dead man up so high. If there was no chances of recovery or survival, they would stay on the lower levels until they died. Less of a hassle that way.

She had walked into the elevator, letting Morpheus believe she was really going up to level 1, when really she rode it down ten floors to her own room, running inside and bolting the door shut. She was breathing heavy, like she had run a marathon, when really she would have run as far as it took to run away from Zion. Scared was an understatement for what she felt.

How could she possibly face Neo at all, let alone like this? She did drugs, every other day or so, just to keep from going mad. She was weak, decaying, not yet addicted but on that road. The thought of Neo ripped her away from the sanity she once knew, tortured her, kept her locked in her room for hours before making up her mind.

Looking over his still form, Trinity couldn't resist the urge to take his hand in hers. Aside from the constant rise and fall of his chest, he looked as if he were dead. He was asleep, unconscious, it wouldn't hurt if she just held him, he wouldn't know. What Neo didn't know couldn't possibly hurt him.

She was half-expecting him to be awake when she arrived; seeing that he wasn't eased some of her fears. She hadn't seen him for two years, so she wanted to grow accustom to his presence first, conscious or not.

She silence in the room was soon broken with a sharp intake of breath, Neo. Trinity let his hand go quickly, walking out of the room. She could only assume she was being followed by his eyes, letting the door slam behind her. She leaned against the railing, watching the city below her. She knew she couldn't keep running away, from _Neo_, of all people. She had to put her fear aside, just for now.

__

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Trinity promised herself, she would stay, and she did, holding Neo's hand even when he woke, quiet this time; she didn't even notice until she felt the hand beneath hears move. His head turned in her direction, eyes half closed, not moving anymore. "Are you awake?" She asked softly. No reply. "Can you hear me?"

He tried to answer, but drifted off again, and Trinity waited for him to come back.

---

Expect a flashback in the next chapter, which should be the last one. (keep '_should_' in mind.)


	10. Watching

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Holding It In

Part 10

Well, we've made it this far. Too late to turn back now. Not much I have left to say. There should be one more chapter after this, possibly an epilogue. The lyrics inserted in ''s belong to the Indigo Girls and their song 'Moment of Forgiveness.' It seemed fitting. And the two years thing happened at random. I honestly hadn't planned it.

Paragraphs 5 and 6 are dedicated to Centaur, who urged me to name my drug and give Trinity a better reason. *hugs* love that woman, she rocks.

__

'Well I guess that I was lonely, that's why I called you on the phone.

'Cause in a moment of forgiveness, I didn't want to be alone.

And I guess that I was hoping, more than I ever was before.

'Cause in a moment of forgiveness, I come a knockin' at your door.'

On the Icarus, she was the Captain. The big boss, she who everyone looked up to. It was an enormous responsibility Morpheus had been preparing her for her entire life. After all, he had originally believed that she_ was the One. Imagine what a let-down it was when the Oracle said she wasn't, that the One was a man. Nothing but pure tragic angst, which could be used to describe her stay on the Icarus._

It was tragic that this was the only thing Trinity could do to ensure Neo's survival on his own terms - god knew what would have happened if she had stayed, that is, if there was a god. She often wondered this; why would god let something like this happen? She meant the war, not the baby. She had let that one happen on her own.

She was welcome on the Icarus; Corto and Scabbard adored her and follower her every command without and questions or side-comments. It was more out of their new-ness to the real world than their respect, but after what Trinity had done to them, - after she had saved them - who wouldn't want to treat her better than they had treated their old captain?

Work was slow. There weren't that many minds worthy of freeing anymore, except for ones that were too old and would most likely end up six feet under in less than a month after waking up. Or end up crazy and locked up in Zion's lower caverns, where they would have taken Cypher. Where Morpheus might have ended up, had his mind not had such a strong distinction between the Matrix and what was real. So no minds were being freed lately. Trinity couldn't have dealt with having to let them suffer, because she was suffering enough lately.

Every night, she would lie awake for hours before finally falling asleep, only to wake up two or three hours later sobbing hysterically into her pillow, her blanket twisted and covered with sweat and tears. As soon as she woke up, it passed, but she couldn't shake the images of Neo out of her mind, and she couldn't fall asleep again.

She found relief in something Corto had give to her. It was called 'Hex' and was injected into the bloodstream to relax the user, putting them in a drug-induced sleep. At first, Trinity doubted that this drug could do anything for her. She also doubted her faith in this drug and it's possible dangers. And what would the crew think of a captain who was 'hexed'?

She had no idea it was addicting, but at least she wasn't dreaming anymore. At least she could finally get to sleep without being haunted by nightmares, all of them concerning Neo meeting a terrible end…

'Baby I woke up crying last night just to realize that you were gone

Has it been two long years without you?

When are you gonna come home?

I guess that I was hoping that you'd finally understand,

And in a moment of forgiveness, you'd reach out and take my hand.'

"Trinity…"

She felt his grip on her hand tighten, his eyes were more focused. Instinctively, she held on tighter as well, as if to keep from running away. What could she say to him? What could she possibly have to say to him now?

"Trin, you staying?"

Trinity nodded, her other hand reaching up to rest on his forehead. "Yeah." Neo closed his eyes, reassured, and fell back to sleep. He didn't wake up for four days, and during that time Trinity was suffering. She felt a need for her drug inside of her, easy to ignore at first, but growing stronger by the hour. It was a hunger that wouldn't subside, a baby that wouldn't stop crying - she held Neo's hand with both of hers to keep from running back to her room for a fix. She wasn't weak, she shouldn't have been dependant - She had to beat this. Dependency wasn't an option.

She ran a hand up her arm, the red tracks, as if to will their control away. Biting her lip, she released her now tight grip, sighing shakily. Neo's hand kept her where she was. When he woke again, he was more awake than he had been, with no intentions of going back to sleep. "So, how's your crew?" He paused, grinned. "Captain."

That last word was a last minute thought, just a touch of humor to hopefully lighten their mood. Trinity didn't smile. "They're almost all dead now," She said simply. "Jacked in for the shutdown." They had lost most when the connection into the Matrix suddenly shut down. No one knew why. Once they had gotten back online, it had been much too late.

Neo's body tensed. Oh god, what if Trinity had been inside? But she wasn't…she wasn't, and now she's alive. Trinity was the first soldier he had ever met, and she was also the strongest and bravest. IF she was to ever go down, it wouldn't have been that way. Not without a fight.

"And how about you, Neo? Saved us." She spoke as if it was such a casual subject. They were both acting as if they were on ice anyways, careful and delicate, completely regardless to the fact they once were lovers. Trinity sat up straight, as if against a board, and Neo couldn't look at her. The floor, or his hands, or the legs of a chair seemed much more fascinating than the beautiful face he hadn't seen for years, except in his dreams.

At Trinity's question, he shut his eyes, his brow tightening in concentration. After some efforts, he opened his eyes looking scared. His eyes, pupils dilated, met Trinity's. "I don't…remember. I can't remember what happened!" If he hadn't been scared, he would have laughed in disbelief at himself. He couldn't remember what happened at the end of it all - no wonder he was almost terrified. "I was about to jack in, and then I was…with you." He swallowed hard.

"Are we…Did we…lose?"

Shaking her head, she wished she could do more to comfort Neo, who had obviously been through so much - Morpheus wouldn't even tell her any details. She wanted to lie with him like they used to, bodies so close as if they were one. Drugs weren't enough anymore. Dreams weren't even enough anymore - she needed _Neo._

'Well, baby I know you're not one for bearing witness

And you told me that one wrong move is gonna sell you out.

Now I see that you kept your word and made it harder than it had to be,

Wish I could save you the trouble, babe, give you a little peace of mind.'

__

"Neo, we're broadcasting soon. You know what to do?" Morpheus broke his pensive silence, bringing Neo back to reality. Had he fallen asleep? Or was it just another daydream? Whatever it was, he had seen Trinity, again, the image of perfection, the woman he loved. Loved.

It tore him up inside, thinking that he couldn't even tell whether or not he loved her anymore. He just wished he could say love, not past tense, but it had been almost two years. He had no idea who she was anymore. She might be a completely different woman now, if she was still alive.

Fuck, no, don't think about that. She hadn't sent any transmissions, but there had to be a good reason for that. Trinity wasn't going to die, she couldn't die.

__

"Neo. Are you listening?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, I was just thinking."

"There is no time to think. You have to act, now. You know what to do?"

"Yes, sir."

"The Agents must not disable the virus. You have to make sure of this. We cannot fail now."

'Well I guess that I was hoping that you'd finally understand

And in a moment of forgiveness, you'd reach out and take my hand.'

A tornado of green code engulfed his vision, and he woke up with a sharp intake of breath. He sat up, looked around, and relaxed; Trinity was still there, asleep in a chair by his bed. Neo noticed her hand was still in his.

How he wanted to reach out and touch her, caress her, have her lie with him. But he knew she wouldn't, not now, not ever. He was too far gone to save.

Neo watched her chest rise and fall rhythmically, her head tipped back against the chair. One arm rested in her lap while the other, Neo held in a gentle grip. He ran his thumb lightly over her hand, the calloused skin familiar to his touch. His hand shook slightly as he did this.

Some hair hung in Trinity's face, half shielding her from Neo's view. If only he could just reach over and brush the strands behind her ears so he could watch over her while she slept. It was the opposite of when she first arrived, now it was his turn to wait.

***

I feel so horrible for dragging this ending out so much. And I'm sorry this chapter took long. It took much longer then I expected it to. Sorry sorry sorry!


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